My Issues Coming Again !!!

Errghh. As you all know, I have fear towards relationship. Now, It's coming back and haunting me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but surely there's something wrong.

Since I was a little boy (Hmm... Elementary school, maybe) I always thought there's no happy ending in this world. There' no couple who will last longer till the end. Eventually they are gonna break up. There' no married couple who last till the end, eventually they are gonna divorced too. Such a cliche. I know, I was naive. I don't know what I was thinking back then. I even made promise myself that I'm not gonna married and I'm gonna live alone till I'm old. (Arrghhh...Amit50x. Now, I'm really really regretted it. I wanna married too someday. I don't know what the hell was I thinking back then. It's not healthy for a little cute boy for thinking like that)

When I was getting older, I starting realized that I have a problem. Everytime a boy or girl (yes, I had experienced both) come on to me and saying that they like me, I starting to panic (Strange, right ? I should be happy, because someone like me, but I panicked). It's true. I starting made distance with them. I even made them hated me.

:: tsk.. tsk.. very cruel, Tizi ::

It still continue until now.

I don't know what I'm afraid of. I think my brain has its own thinking. Too much thinking and too much "What If..."
What if I break his heart...
What if he's cheating on me...
What was I gonna say if I wanna break up...
and there' still so many What If...
I know I know, it's not healhty, but I couldn't help it.

Recently, there's this guy. I know he likes me. He said he wanna be friend with me. But I know eventually he's gonna ask a date with me. As I said earlier, now I'm having anxiety and panic attack. ( lol... ) It's funny, really...

I know there's probability we end up as couple If I let it. (I said If... , people). But my heart feel like there' something wrong. (It always like that).
Maybe he's not the one.
Maybe I'm not in love with him.
You see... there' so many maybe.

Usually, everytime time when we start dating, either I push him away, or I'm looking all his fault. Now, I'm looking his fault. You see.. my problem with this guy is his age. He's younger than me. (Not that I'm against age difference). But come on, he's not even 20. Maybe, in western culture, he' considered old enough and mature. But, in my culture (Eastern culture), he's still a kid. Come on, he's 19 (what he got to know about life). And he just send me message that pissed me off. Errghh...

Why Can't I get older men (Not too old, a few years older than me would be better), someone who can take care of me and of course has Financial Securities (That would be bonus, hehehe...)

So, in the end...
I Think I'm Not Ready.

But, my friend told me that I was too chicken. She said I'm not gonna be ready until I'm old and bald if I was always waiting for Mr. Right. Is that true?

So, What Do You Think I Should Do ?
Am I Wrong ?
Am My Heart Lying To Me ?

Tizi Tizzz